It seems like the stock answer for any Christian woman having marital or spiritual difficulties is to pray, trust God, submit to your husband, and don't complain. Most of the times, that's good advice, but what about those times when it's not enough?
What if your husband asks you to sin?
I've had people tell me the answer to this was clear, but give two contradicting answers. Some have advised me to obey God and not to willfully follow my husband into sin. Others have said the only way to obey God was to submit to my husband and that he would somehow be accountable for my sin, instead of me (hmm, I thought the only that could do that was Jesus, and I can assure you I didn't marry Him). Even those who give answers say that finding the line between sin and preference can be tough.
Others have said that a husband would never
really ask his wife to sin, or have theorized that God would protect a truly virtuous woman from sin in that scenario. Either way, they dismiss the question because it doesn't fit their preconceived notions. Having dealt with it myself and talked to other women in similar situations, it is clear that there are plenty of husbands who do try to lead their wives into sin. Sometimes it's something like committing fraud or but it usually involves sexual sin. The really disturbing part is that several of us have been counseled, by other Christian women and by a few pastors, to take part in sexual sins under the guise of submitting to our husbands. This usually causes even worse problems in the marriage relationship, lets your husband see you as a hypocrite because he knows you are sinning, and can wreak havoc with your emotions and your relationship with God.
With marriage books and devotionals abounding that re-frame Bible truth to fit a particular agenda, it is only going to get worse. There have been several women's books that twist the story of Sarah and Abraham to be all about submission and obedience, saying that Sarah was praised for obeying even to the point of joining the harem, and that God would intervene if you were good enough and obeyed your husband's sinful request. Now, we have another book out doing the same thing with the story of Esther and Vashti. Not to say that Esther is not the hero of that book, but to slander Vashti as a rebellious, unsubmissive wife when she refused to dance half-naked for a bunch of drunk, rowdy men is not supported by the texts. If anything, she was virtuous as well, but that twisting of the story is sure to be used by the type of guy who wants his wife to dress immodesty and "entertain" his friends at the next Superbowl party. (Again, these guys exist - I know a few Christian women who are married to them, and was being pushed that way in my own marriage).
With "Christian" marriage books out there now advising couples that pretty much anything goes, sexually, it's bound to get worse. For someone who is already trying to coerce their spouse into sin, easing them into things starting with acts "approved" by a pastor or teacher they respect is almost a perfect opportunity, and by the time it crosses the line the spouse will often be too beaten down to resist and too embarrassed to ask for help. Sometimes, pastors, counselors, and would-be authorities even set people for this situation: One of my friends went to her pastor and his wife for advice on a marital issue and was counseled to submit and obey her husbands requests even if "she felt like" they were sinful - it led to a situation where the sin became public and she found herself under church discipline as well for following that counsel, because it would have looked bad just to punish one of the parties involved.
Most cases aren't that egregious, but I think we often to set up women to fail in these situations. Very often, the decision is presented as a matter of choosing the "greater" sin or actually sinning versus the "lesser" sin of disobedience by refusing to sin (or vice versa for many hyper-complementarians). Or these things are discounted and we are told they do not happen, that we must be over-exaggerating or making it up, or that God would protect us if we really didn't want to sin. Or we are told not to ask for help or discuss it, because bringing up sin is disrespecting our husbands and we are sinning by not painting them as perfect and our marriage and Christian walk as all sunshine and roses.
I really don't know the answers, but I think they start by acknowledging this is a (usually hidden) problem for many in the church. I think we are to submit to our husbands, but we are to submit to God first, and that we are not bound to sin. I also think there are major problems with one spouse forcing the other into any activity they are not comfortable with, and I think some of the sin issues would be dealt with easier if men did not feel like demanding their way by coercion, force, and mental abuse could be condoned by twisting the scriptures. Most of us know what sin is, and we know that it is wrong, but the emphasis on submission has caused some people to replace the voice of the Holy Spirit with the voice of their spouse, and that leaves us so vulnerable to being led into sin and feeling spiritually disconnected and set adrift.
