A friend of mine forwarded this and I
thought it was worth sharing.
It is long but worth reading, especially
if you are an unmarried Christian woman
To all the
young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters.
A husband should
love, lead, and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or
behavior issues.
Unless someone
married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will
impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event
that will change so many areas of your life so deeply.
Here are just some of
the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living:
1. It will impact you spiritually.
If the guy is
not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a
redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ
has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood
bought heart to someone who doesn't know and love your Lord. It will cripple
your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer
life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict
if you have children.
If the guy is a
believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family
devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make
spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask
you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love
for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the
children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to
help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing
out what is happening next and helping the family keep up?
Many women have
married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn't a big issue, or that
the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.
The health of
your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.
2. It will impact you emotionally.
Is the guy
you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek
to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a
hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be
preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will
he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that
you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments,
or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings?
One woman was
struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing
for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and
encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife
working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have
emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self-esteem is
selfish and should be left alone.
Be careful – a
husband can cripple or foster emotional health.
3. It will impact you physically.
Is the guy
you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter,
clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was
no employment opportunity. A man who doesn't provide for his household is worse
than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden,
but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance,
you shouldn't have to carry it yourself.
Will the man you
are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks,
etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse
you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant.
Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are
women who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches
or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their
husbands.
Will the man you
are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honor the marriage bed in
physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn
addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these
issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently
saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another
woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.
Is he going to
be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my
sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few
days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn't selfless
enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved. Many women also run
into trouble and physical pain or shame when their husbands force or pressure
them into doing things in bed they don’t want or are not comfortable with, or
things they believe are sinful.
Watch out. Your
body needs care and protection.
4. It will impact you mentally.
Is the man that
you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with
your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will
he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are
thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage
stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you
struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of
you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a
woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but
postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it,
continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental
institution.
You might think
that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than
you think. Consider it seriously.
5. It will impact you relationally.
How’s your
relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend?
Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for
the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his
friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of
relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another.
But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he
has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your
marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship
with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now
could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.
It’s the same
with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your
home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other
women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor
younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle
that? Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t
value the people who love you.
So how will your
boyfriend do after the vows?
Because this is
just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The
effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult.
True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. Marriage to
the wrong person is a nightmare.
Don’t be so
desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an
unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t
put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t
follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the
church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.
